NEW ORLEANS, LA. — Formerly of Illinois and a 2020 candidate for the state’s 8th congressional district, W. Thomas La Fontaine Olson has qualified for placement on the ballot by the Office of the Secretary of State of Louisiana. Yet the form of payment impressed upon the candidate to the point of distraction.
Don't miss our top stories and need-to-know news everyday in your inbox. “Cash is king in this lousy state,” La Fontaine insists. “I would have preferred to pay in twenty dollar bills, so that I might have further mocked the cultural fawning upon Andrew Jackson, but my speed these days requires a certain plasticity, and wads of cash tend to adhere a filthiness better suited to craven politicians, such as several of my opponents.” When asked to be specific, La Fontaine only signals by obvious intimations. “The incumbent US Senator has been a member of at least two of the most feckless Congresses in US history. I have not a few prejudices for politicians, yet the incumbent may well be the dimmest member of that body for old men since its ruinous inception. In any event, the incumbent is boring, ugly, unfit and, which is wont for people who fiddle on the floor the US senate, obscenely vain.” In the spring of this year, La Fontaine stood for the general assembly of Illinois, but failed to make the ballot. The candidate remains sore about it. “There are a great many slothful slugs with political beginnings in Illinois, the forty-fourth obscenity of the United States withstanding,” La Fontaine began. “Old white farts, sois-disants hommes who wear make-up, Karens, and not a few others were relieved my name will not appear on a ballot in Illinois this year. Yet I felt compelled to take an action which might permit me some liberty of speech nonetheless.” Monday in Baton Rouge, the candidate appeared before the media. “It’s Louisiana, to be sure. The stiffs in Baton Rouge had not a single question pertaining to a public law. Instead, one of them went straight for idiocy and insisted positions adhering abortion and guns. It’s a digression sure to destroy, or murder depending upon one’s prejudice, a substantive conversation regarding our political circumstances.” La Fontaine’s critique remains optimistic nonetheless. “Most every person in the United States is ashamed by our political discourse, less the dogs who bark on the floor of the US senate of course. Yet I take some pleasure in mastering mutts.”
The candidate was detained for an extraordinarily lengthy amount of time at the Archives building in Baton Rouge, during which bureaucrats scrambled to apologize for stately incompetence.Get The Latest News!
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