Need Guaranteed Time Off? Throw Manners Out the Door

Let’s face it, humans are gross. We do things that animals who lick their own butts would say is disgusting if they could talk.

Therefore, if you want to spend a lot of time this winter season in bed watching Netflix, now is the time to ramp up bad habits. Cold weather brings an onslaught of germs that will gladly invade the human body at any given moment. If you are hankering for time off work/school or an excuse to avoid the family this holiday season, this article is for you. There are some poor lifestyle choices you can start making today that will give germs an upper hand and secure your place on the couch.

First and foremost, start by completely foregoing washing your hands after using the restroom. You want to give any germs that come within your vicinity the proper environment to thrive in. To make sure your mission doesn’t fail, complete the trifecta by shaking a stranger’s hand and then picking your nose. This will give any germs you captured a clear path into the body. Plus, the other person may want a day off too so, really you are just paying it forward!

Second, nothing says “guaranteed day off” like a big germ-filled smooch on the lips. This can be accomplished by locating a person with a runny nose or a cough to kiss. Now I admit, there may be some repercussions with this idea, especially if you kiss a stranger. But, three days on the couch in your jammies watching the Price is Right will more than makeup for it.

We all know germs are incredibly more effective at invading the body when the immune system is weak and full of inflammation. Therefore, switch all your meals to high sugar, overly processed foods which include fast food and any sweet treats you manage to stash away from the kids. It’s absolutely vital to forego eating any fruits or vegetables. You don’t need Vitamin C hindering your plans to binge-watch your favorite show. And most definitely don’t drink any water. If you want the germs to work their magic you need to be dehydrated – stick to soft drinks, coffee and energy drinks.

Also, now is not the time to be catching up on sleep. Germs love a sleep-deprived bod. It’s highly advised to stay up all night surfing the internet. The more exhausted you are, the quicker germs will infect you. You don’t want any delay getting time off.

Honestly though, for the sake of humanity, do not listen to anything written above. The holiday season is stressful enough without adding illness on top of it. Instead of being a gross human, practice healthy habits this time of year to ward off any germs – stay hydrated with water, always wash your hands, avoid being around people who are sick, get 5-8 hours a night of quality sleep and make sure you are getting enough Vitamin C and D in your diet.

Now, if you do inevitably get sick and find yourself emitting germs from bodily orifices… DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT go to work, school, extra-curriculars, holiday parties, airplanes or any other places humans congregate…etc., etc., etc. Those of us trying to enjoy this time of year don’t want your germs near us – Thank you in advance.

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